I'm an otter-retriever

Let me explain. On the okcupid sight, they ask you to take all kinds of funny tests to get to know you better. I decided to take the animal personality test. I had a feeling I'd come out like a dog; otter was a bit of a surprise. Here are my test results:

Your Score: Otter-Retriever

You scored 65% Otter, 50% Lion, 30% Beaver, and 65% Golden Retriever!

Your personality is chacterized with both Golden Retriever and Otter personality traits.

Golden retrievers appreciate the value of a close relationship, and can deal with commitment. You're thoughtful, nurturing and tolerant... people know that they can go to you if they need to be comforted. However, your caring nature may make it difficult to say no, and your sensitivity can cause you to get hurt a lot. Golden Retrievers are very adaptable, compassionate, and great team players.

Otters are fun-loving, spontaneous creatures. Always optimistic, otters can sometimes overlook important details or move at a pace that's a little too fast for everyone to keep up with. They aren't usually into details, and may have a problem with procrastinating. However, otters are very social and have a great love for people. They may be very charismatic and have lots of friends.

Hmmm. I hope this doesn't mean that I will be rolling in dead things and liking my privates. It certainly doesn't help to explain why some bozo named h0tb0y sent me a message with a picture of himself spanking the monkey! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!! What is WRONG with people!

Sentence Sensibility

I wish I could say that the title of this post was of my own invention but it is not. It is, however, the title of an article in the New York Times Magazine that addresses my current predicament AND is a play on words using the title of one of my favorite books/movies. The author of the article, Jaimie Epstein, has been thrust into the world of online happiness seeking due to a broken heart. She is, by her own description, a "literary person," and often the editor of the famous On Language column for the Times. This causes her great distress when she receives emails from prospective suitors with misspellings, bad grammar, and all sorts of other language faux pas. I am not quite as bothered by malapropriated author's names or sentences ending in prepositions but perhaps only because I am not a language expert and a notoriously bad speller.

Some of the things Jaimie and I have in common are: 1] the need for seemingly endless self examination with regard to our new online persona; 2] the use of parenthetical asides (like this one) when we want to interject otherwise invisible social cues for our readers; 3] the unavoidable judgment of the other online happiness seekers based on their ability/inability to complete a comprehensible sentence and 4] the need to make lists. Okay, I'm not sure about that last one but the first three are definitely true. (And just so ya know, I had to spellcheck at least 3 of the words in the previous sentence.)

It was nice to read about someone in the same proverbial boat who saw light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I'm not sure if I see a light or just the glare of the windshield of the oncoming bus but a girl's gotta hope!

More Poetry

Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even,
the miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

by Mary Oliver

Wandering Rocks and other things

Yesterday I took my 88-year-old dad to SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park. It was a beautiful day and we had a very nice time. Unfortunately, I only had a crummy little disposable camera with me - left over from my recent kayaking trip - so I doubt that the pictures I took are going to be all that great. (I borrowed this one from their Website.) I can't wait to go back with more time and a better camera.

Dad uses a walker so I arranged to borrow a wheelchair for the day. When we had finished walking down through the sculpture park, I decided the quicker way back up to the car was over the railroad tracks and straight up the hill instead of via the switchbacks. I only have my wheelchair driving learners permit and didn't realize that you shouldn't go forward over the tracks. See, the little front wheels tend to turn sideways and get stuck in the cracks between the rails. Fortunately, I was able to get them out before the train smooshed us like bugs and quickly realized that going backwards over the tracks worked much better. And the even better news is, when I was having this trouble, a guy driving by pulled over to offer assistance! Pulled over! It restored my faith in humanity after the Bozo of Best Buy incident.

Like a virgin

I've done it. I've started sending some messages to people on okcupid. Now, because this is a new adventure, I tend to log in at least once or twice a day (or 10) to see what's happening and to take more "improve your matchability" tests and to check my mail. So far, I've only heard from two people - the bi-guy looking for friends (BG) and the somewhat normal guy (NG) looking to chat. BG and his partner have a kid and seem pretty nice but are just friend material. The NG guy also seems nice but just for chatting. I took the initiative and wrote to someone I thought might be fun guy (FG) but he hasn't returned the favor yet. If I don't receive a reply to a message sent, does it mean:

a] the guy is on vacation and hasn't read his mail in a while?
b] he has seen your profile/image and finds you repulsive?
c] he was injured in a sky diving accident in which he broke all the bones in his body and is having to peck out his messages with his nose and it's taking a very long time?
d] he has received SOOOOOOOO many "woo" messages that he just hasn't had time to respond to them all?
e] the idea of speaking to a woman with such impressive credentials as mine is intimidating and it's taking a while to come up with a clever enough message to impress me?
f] he choked on a turkey sandwich and is lying dead on his couch in front of the TV which is tuned to the porn channel?
f] zombies have taken over his neighborhood and he is holed up in his basement with nothing but a lighter and some Pez and is kicking himself for not getting wi-fi?

I hope it isn't [b] and if it's [f], I better get out the buzz saw and start boarding up my windows.

UPDATE: Oh my GOD! I think I just saw a photo of someone I know! He's the dad of one of my kid's friends. Oh noooooooooooooooooo!

What the.....

I have taken the advice of several friends and switched over to okcupid.com for my daily humiliation. It has been fun, so far, I must admit. I have received messages from a nice bisexual, polyamorous couple who are new to the area and want to make friends; a woo message from some guy named hornytom; a relatively normal message from a relatively normal person who wants to chat, and this guy (who, thank ALLAH, lives somewhere in NY):

it`s a plessure writting to know u nore. as a new friend, i read ur profile and i was overwhelmed with joy to see aperson of my kin and likeness, i will love to hear from u, pleased don`t feel embarrased, it is the feeling i got from ur profile. write me so we talk more better.
with regards from,
Enzo.

I'm a tolerant and open-minded person but how exactly am I "a person of his kin and likeness?????" I have GOT to get a better picture taken. (E! Help me out here!)

pain and suffering

Today was the day that my daughter and I went shopping for her birthday present - a digital camera. We have both been anticipating this purchase with great delight - not the me paying for it part, but the me getting to borrow it part. We got one of the higher-end Power Shots and it's awesome!! (Yes, I am now in debt and will have to sell myself to the devil to pay for it but, what the hell.) We opened it up as soon as we got in the car so we could start taking pictures right away. We putz with it a little and then I put the key in the ignition and turned it........click.....click....click.........nothin'. I had been mildly warned before leaving the house that the car had been acting a bit odd but not to worry.

After several attempts at starting the car and a visit to the Starbucks for sustenance, I gave in and called for help. You might want to read my previous post entitle "fire in the hole" for a little refresher about how these car related conversations usually go. Let's begin:

me: "Hey, I can't start the car and I think you should come out here or maybe I should just call a tow truck."

M: "Did you jiggle the stick?"

me: "yep"

M: "Well, do it again, I'm sure it will start."

me: "I've been trying on and off for over 45 minutes now and I really think we'll have to have 'er towed to the dealership."

M: "No. I'll come out there. I'm sure it will start if you jiggle the stick right."

Meanwhile, the battery on the new camera is dead because it hadn't really been charged up yet so there isn't much to do now. And it is HOT in the parking lot at Best frickin' Buy.

Three hours later and after a lot of fiddlin' with knobs and jumper cables*, the car still won't start and the tow truck is called. 'Nough said.

*Just a side note here. When the guy parked next to us came out of the Best Buy with what looked to be his 10-year-old son, M kindly asked him if he would be able to help us with a jump and he says, "no, I don't think so." No eye contact, no "sorry, I wish I could help but I've got a plane to catch," no "sprechen sie keine English." What an ass! And what a great example to set for your child. "Son, when you see people in need, don't look 'em in the eye or offer assistance, just head for the hills."

UPDATE: Turns out that we might have been able to start the car on our own and avoid the tow if M hadn't put back one of the fuses he checked in the wrong slot. But we did end up needing a new battery and some other stuff that came to over $500!! Ugh.