Blah-ging

Sorry for not posting for a bit. I've been a little busy/lazy/tired. I guess having to read all of those messages from admirers really takes a lot out of a girl.

I'm really excited about all of the comments on my poly posting. I think this is what blogs are really for - an exchange of ideas. I've learned so much since that posting. Thanks to everyone for putting in their two cents.

On the OKC front: I've been corresponding with my two lads in the UK and really enjoying it. As I mentioned before, they are very different. One is a bit Eeyore-like and the other more like Rabbit, I think. Eeyore is sweet and kind and a bit unsure about his place in the world. He likes talking about everyday things - I think they bring him comfort. I enjoy talking with him but I find that I don't write with the same humor as I do with others. Funny how that happens.

Rabbit has some bitterness in his life but uses his sense of humor to struggle through it. He is the writer of ghost stories and is studying for his Ph.D. in English. We write very silly messages and LOL is used a lot. The trouble is, he sent me a few of his stories and asked for some input. This is a problem as I am not one to hide my opinion about things (surprise, surprise) and I thought the stories had some flaws. Okay, that's being too kind - some of them were not too bad but two were really awful. I made what I thought were some constructive comments about the worst one and didn't say anything about the others. He assumed that this meant that I thought they were fine. Ack!! I think I'll have to ask him to stop sending me stories and switch to jewelry or chocolate instead.

On the flip side of this coin, I think by NiceGuy from Oregon is being just that - nice. He sent me a very sweet - maybe too sweet - message saying how lovely it is to chat with me and that he'll be busy this week and unable to write. When I checked the site this morning I noticed that he had time to post a rather long journal entry. I am pretty sure that he writes me just to be nice and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. How sad is that! Once, in my awkward youth, a friend of mine asked a boy I liked if he thought I was cute and his response was "she has good skin." This was kid code for "gag me." (bad flashback!) That's how NGs messages make me feel. Not ugly and awkward but just....not right.

It seems that my poly friend is the only one that I can be truly honest with! No chance of relationship so, nothing to hide or feel bad about. He wrote me to let me know that he and his partner had their au pair/girlfriend living with them now (she arrived from wherever it is they use to live) and so equilibrium has been achieved in his world. We still plan on getting together sometime but with the whole gang, I think. That should be fun! Nothing like being the fourth wheel with a threesome.

I'm sorry, but.......

Why me? This is from a 27-year-old guy in D.C.:

My name is xxxxxx and am from usa in st newjersey.am a businessman i have my own company and stores which i sell cloths,shoes,electronics and many more....I'm intelligent, fun,faithful..,I'm honest, caring, giving,hard worker, trusting, honest, ,open minded well I enjoy playing golf, watching movies,cooking dinner at home and watching t.v...am new on the internet i just join here am also new here well am a here looking for a woman i will spent the rest of my life with...I like to meet a woman who will be honest with me...THE woMAN I AM LOOKING FOR is able to share his heart and life with me..sHe is not on this site to play online games but wants to develop a real life long term loving relationship...as i told u am new that is why i have not fill much of my profile... I believe that true love exists. I just have to find it...I would like to find consistency and honesty in my partner. I can offer the world to the right person. Sometimes you have to take a chance on love. T I will have hers for sure.I'm looking for something serious and long term- so here I am . I love to travel,Friends are like diamonds; they are rare and very precious.
Treat them carefully and lovingly and keep them safe in your heart so you'll never lose them .....Stars are like friends; there's always some around, you just need to find your favorite one One of the best feelings in the world is to touch and warm someone's heart, whether it be your love or just a friend, almost nothing can feel better A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.....There comes a time in every life we find the heart we're looking for..All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.Hello.. how are u doing i hope u are doing good as i am well i know that u are the woman i have been dreaming to have in life the woman i have been thinking when i was a child well... HOPE TO HERE FROM U SOOM......Yourfrined brown u can add me to your yahoo this is id high_spirit2003@yahoo.com see u byee :u can add me so we talk there okay take care and have a nice loving day...................

I'm sorry but, WTF! I feel a bit evil about posting this - I mean, I wouldn't want someone posting my lame-ass email on the internet for others to make fun of. But, WTF!!! At least the widower from NJ who was looking to replace his wife could complete a sentence.

Poly want to crack her?

Yesterday as I walked to work, I had time to think about my next blog post. (I wish I had one of those little tape recorders plugged into my brain so I could download all the thoughts - now I'll have to try and remember them all!) I wanted to write something clever about my recent education about the polyamorous world. Well, not so much an education but a Cliff's Notes browse. I did, at least, learn a new word: compersion (more about this later).

Let us begin with the Wikipedia definition of polyamory:

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is distinct from polygamy, being closer to a personal outlook than a predefined bonding system. It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition.

Although I feel rather versed in the nuances of the gay world, having close friends and family members involved, I had not until very recently had a single clue about this part of society. Oh sure, I knew there were people out there with this inclination but I didn't know anything about their culture. (I still don't really know but I am learning, in a platonic way.) I don't want to comment about this directly so much as have a discussion (with myself) about the meaning of compersion and getting what one needs from the people in one's world.

Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure when one's partner is with another person. The term is often expressed as "the opposite of jealousy",^[2] since that term is used to describe one's pain at a lover's experiences with others.

Compersion can be said to be a form of empathy; i.e. pleasure that a loved one is experiencing a good thing in his or her life.

For many years I have been of the opinion that it is far more natural for humans to be attracted to more than one other human, either of the same or opposite sex, but we are ruled so strongly by social constraints that we can't think outside the box, so to speak. (I'm not a social scientist, nor do I play one on T.V., but I'm sure there is something in human history to do with the formation of communities that lead to these social constraints - survival of the species or taxes - since these constraints have been around pre-christianity.) I think more people would be "bi-curious" if they could break out of their social bonds. Now, I am a very liberal minded person but am definitely a victim of social bondage. I would like to think that I could feel compersion, that I could try to act outside the box, that I could find happiness with a person regardless of their sexual orientation, that I might be willing to participate in an unconventional relationship, that I could eat chocolate cake without feeling guilty, but I'm just not sure I could. Is this because of social brainwashing or just my nature? I'm sure I could feel compersion - I'm sure I do, actually - but I'm not sure about any of the other things.

I recently had a nice discussion with a SWM who said that he had tried several different "forbidden" things in his life because you never know what you might like until you try it. Now, there are certain things in life that I strongly believe shouldn't fall into this "try it, you might like it" philosophy - murder, heroin, driving on the wrong side of the road, wearing socks with sandals - but perhaps there are other things on this menu that we should all try out, at least once. I do know that I get different things from different relationships. For example, I have two pen-pals from England - both male, both writers, both live in a similar part of the country, both are desperate enough to write to me. My letters to one are of a more serious nature; we discuss global warming, the intricacies of human relationships, politics, our lack of facial hair. My letters to the other are far more silly ; we talk about movies, the outdoors, and other less serious things. Yet, I look forward to each letter with the same amount of anticipation because I get something different but equally fulfilling from both.

I'm not sure what side of the human fence this leaves me on yet but I do know that my butt is getting sore from sitting on top of it. But do we have to be on one side of the fence or the other? Isn't there some sort of no-mans land in between that we can function in happily?

One thing about polyamory that I know I couldn't embrace:

The adjective frubbly and the noun frubbles are sometimes used, in the poly community in the United Kingdom and the United States, to describe the feeling of compersion.^[3] These terms are more suited to cheerful, light-hearted conversation, and they are more grammatically versatile, for example: "I'm feeling all frubbly" and "Their relationship fills me with frubbles".

Sorry, but I don't think I could bring myself to say "frubbles" with a straight, bi-curious, or polyamorous face.

I am Kermit the Frog

I've started to really enjoy these little OKC tests. Some of the questions are outrageously funny or outrageously stupid. The shorter the better. Two more I took yesterday: What is Your Spirit Guide Animal? (Wolf - very hip) and What Seasame Street Character are You? (Kermie!). I like both of those outcomes, I think. Kermit is cool, right? I'm sure he's a Libra.

My child came back from vacation last night. Two weeks at grandmas was good but she was happy to be back with her dogs. Not back with me, mind you, but the dogs. They got a far more affectionate greeting than I did. I have to say that it did hurt my feelings just a bit, not that I was in any way surprised. She has always been better with animals than people but I gave birth to her for cryin' out loud! Long, painful, back-labor, c-section BIRTH!! I think I deserve a little hug and kiss now and then. (She did bring me a bag of LEGOs and some Jersey tomatoes.)

I'm humourous

62% Warmth, 50% Moisture

You are of the choleric temperament, ruled by the element of Fire. This humour's personality is usually active, energetic, hasty, and clever, but prone to foolishness through not taking the time to think. The medieval handbooks say that choleric people "have wine of the lion" - That is, they become angry and violent when drunk.

No, I don't! Really! I think I failed this test. Golden retrievers and otters are NOT angry drunks!

OKC update: The nice guy in Oregon that I thought was ignoring me has been writing to me. We had a very nice IM session this morning. (I love IM in the morning.) And then there is this kind of odd-in-a-good-way bloke in the UK who has been emailing me. I'm not sure why the 19-year-old from Kenmore sent me an email - maybe he thought I was his mom's friend or something. I don't even want to go there.

Mosquito Coast

Well, it wasn't really the coast so much as the bank of a river. I borrowed my neighbor's cabin (just west of Leavenworth) for the weekend for some much desired R&R. I went with my friend KnittinKitten, her daughter, and our dogs. It was clear the SECOND we got there that we were not going to get a lot of communing with nature done, unless you consider being covered with insects communing. The heat was a bit oppressive as well. Fortunately, we were all happy to be lazy and found lots to do (or not do) inside. We did venture in to Leavenworth for a day and practiced our running from shady spot to shady spot - the only exercise we got (besides improving our Yahtzee arms).

On the way to the cabin, we stopped at a rural market to grab something to make for dinner. (Thank goodness they were out of opossum!) This market had a little rundown restaurant attached to it called - sadly enough - The Happy Clown. This place was right out of an X-files episode, complete with inbred patrons and a female clerk with a shiner. The story possibilities are endless!!! The only thing missing was the banjo player. Oh, for some of Stephen King's literary genes!!!

I'm an otter-retriever

Let me explain. On the okcupid sight, they ask you to take all kinds of funny tests to get to know you better. I decided to take the animal personality test. I had a feeling I'd come out like a dog; otter was a bit of a surprise. Here are my test results:

Your Score: Otter-Retriever

You scored 65% Otter, 50% Lion, 30% Beaver, and 65% Golden Retriever!

Your personality is chacterized with both Golden Retriever and Otter personality traits.

Golden retrievers appreciate the value of a close relationship, and can deal with commitment. You're thoughtful, nurturing and tolerant... people know that they can go to you if they need to be comforted. However, your caring nature may make it difficult to say no, and your sensitivity can cause you to get hurt a lot. Golden Retrievers are very adaptable, compassionate, and great team players.

Otters are fun-loving, spontaneous creatures. Always optimistic, otters can sometimes overlook important details or move at a pace that's a little too fast for everyone to keep up with. They aren't usually into details, and may have a problem with procrastinating. However, otters are very social and have a great love for people. They may be very charismatic and have lots of friends.

Hmmm. I hope this doesn't mean that I will be rolling in dead things and liking my privates. It certainly doesn't help to explain why some bozo named h0tb0y sent me a message with a picture of himself spanking the monkey! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!! What is WRONG with people!

Sentence Sensibility

I wish I could say that the title of this post was of my own invention but it is not. It is, however, the title of an article in the New York Times Magazine that addresses my current predicament AND is a play on words using the title of one of my favorite books/movies. The author of the article, Jaimie Epstein, has been thrust into the world of online happiness seeking due to a broken heart. She is, by her own description, a "literary person," and often the editor of the famous On Language column for the Times. This causes her great distress when she receives emails from prospective suitors with misspellings, bad grammar, and all sorts of other language faux pas. I am not quite as bothered by malapropriated author's names or sentences ending in prepositions but perhaps only because I am not a language expert and a notoriously bad speller.

Some of the things Jaimie and I have in common are: 1] the need for seemingly endless self examination with regard to our new online persona; 2] the use of parenthetical asides (like this one) when we want to interject otherwise invisible social cues for our readers; 3] the unavoidable judgment of the other online happiness seekers based on their ability/inability to complete a comprehensible sentence and 4] the need to make lists. Okay, I'm not sure about that last one but the first three are definitely true. (And just so ya know, I had to spellcheck at least 3 of the words in the previous sentence.)

It was nice to read about someone in the same proverbial boat who saw light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I'm not sure if I see a light or just the glare of the windshield of the oncoming bus but a girl's gotta hope!

More Poetry

Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even,
the miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

by Mary Oliver

Wandering Rocks and other things

Yesterday I took my 88-year-old dad to SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park. It was a beautiful day and we had a very nice time. Unfortunately, I only had a crummy little disposable camera with me - left over from my recent kayaking trip - so I doubt that the pictures I took are going to be all that great. (I borrowed this one from their Website.) I can't wait to go back with more time and a better camera.

Dad uses a walker so I arranged to borrow a wheelchair for the day. When we had finished walking down through the sculpture park, I decided the quicker way back up to the car was over the railroad tracks and straight up the hill instead of via the switchbacks. I only have my wheelchair driving learners permit and didn't realize that you shouldn't go forward over the tracks. See, the little front wheels tend to turn sideways and get stuck in the cracks between the rails. Fortunately, I was able to get them out before the train smooshed us like bugs and quickly realized that going backwards over the tracks worked much better. And the even better news is, when I was having this trouble, a guy driving by pulled over to offer assistance! Pulled over! It restored my faith in humanity after the Bozo of Best Buy incident.

Like a virgin

I've done it. I've started sending some messages to people on okcupid. Now, because this is a new adventure, I tend to log in at least once or twice a day (or 10) to see what's happening and to take more "improve your matchability" tests and to check my mail. So far, I've only heard from two people - the bi-guy looking for friends (BG) and the somewhat normal guy (NG) looking to chat. BG and his partner have a kid and seem pretty nice but are just friend material. The NG guy also seems nice but just for chatting. I took the initiative and wrote to someone I thought might be fun guy (FG) but he hasn't returned the favor yet. If I don't receive a reply to a message sent, does it mean:

a] the guy is on vacation and hasn't read his mail in a while?
b] he has seen your profile/image and finds you repulsive?
c] he was injured in a sky diving accident in which he broke all the bones in his body and is having to peck out his messages with his nose and it's taking a very long time?
d] he has received SOOOOOOOO many "woo" messages that he just hasn't had time to respond to them all?
e] the idea of speaking to a woman with such impressive credentials as mine is intimidating and it's taking a while to come up with a clever enough message to impress me?
f] he choked on a turkey sandwich and is lying dead on his couch in front of the TV which is tuned to the porn channel?
f] zombies have taken over his neighborhood and he is holed up in his basement with nothing but a lighter and some Pez and is kicking himself for not getting wi-fi?

I hope it isn't [b] and if it's [f], I better get out the buzz saw and start boarding up my windows.

UPDATE: Oh my GOD! I think I just saw a photo of someone I know! He's the dad of one of my kid's friends. Oh noooooooooooooooooo!

What the.....

I have taken the advice of several friends and switched over to okcupid.com for my daily humiliation. It has been fun, so far, I must admit. I have received messages from a nice bisexual, polyamorous couple who are new to the area and want to make friends; a woo message from some guy named hornytom; a relatively normal message from a relatively normal person who wants to chat, and this guy (who, thank ALLAH, lives somewhere in NY):

it`s a plessure writting to know u nore. as a new friend, i read ur profile and i was overwhelmed with joy to see aperson of my kin and likeness, i will love to hear from u, pleased don`t feel embarrased, it is the feeling i got from ur profile. write me so we talk more better.
with regards from,
Enzo.

I'm a tolerant and open-minded person but how exactly am I "a person of his kin and likeness?????" I have GOT to get a better picture taken. (E! Help me out here!)

pain and suffering

Today was the day that my daughter and I went shopping for her birthday present - a digital camera. We have both been anticipating this purchase with great delight - not the me paying for it part, but the me getting to borrow it part. We got one of the higher-end Power Shots and it's awesome!! (Yes, I am now in debt and will have to sell myself to the devil to pay for it but, what the hell.) We opened it up as soon as we got in the car so we could start taking pictures right away. We putz with it a little and then I put the key in the ignition and turned it........click.....click....click.........nothin'. I had been mildly warned before leaving the house that the car had been acting a bit odd but not to worry.

After several attempts at starting the car and a visit to the Starbucks for sustenance, I gave in and called for help. You might want to read my previous post entitle "fire in the hole" for a little refresher about how these car related conversations usually go. Let's begin:

me: "Hey, I can't start the car and I think you should come out here or maybe I should just call a tow truck."

M: "Did you jiggle the stick?"

me: "yep"

M: "Well, do it again, I'm sure it will start."

me: "I've been trying on and off for over 45 minutes now and I really think we'll have to have 'er towed to the dealership."

M: "No. I'll come out there. I'm sure it will start if you jiggle the stick right."

Meanwhile, the battery on the new camera is dead because it hadn't really been charged up yet so there isn't much to do now. And it is HOT in the parking lot at Best frickin' Buy.

Three hours later and after a lot of fiddlin' with knobs and jumper cables*, the car still won't start and the tow truck is called. 'Nough said.

*Just a side note here. When the guy parked next to us came out of the Best Buy with what looked to be his 10-year-old son, M kindly asked him if he would be able to help us with a jump and he says, "no, I don't think so." No eye contact, no "sorry, I wish I could help but I've got a plane to catch," no "sprechen sie keine English." What an ass! And what a great example to set for your child. "Son, when you see people in need, don't look 'em in the eye or offer assistance, just head for the hills."

UPDATE: Turns out that we might have been able to start the car on our own and avoid the tow if M hadn't put back one of the fuses he checked in the wrong slot. But we did end up needing a new battery and some other stuff that came to over $500!! Ugh.