Let us begin with the Wikipedia definition of polyamory:
Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is distinct from polygamy, being closer to a personal outlook than a predefined bonding system. It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition.
Although I feel rather versed in the nuances of the gay world, having close friends and family members involved, I had not until very recently had a single clue about this part of society. Oh sure, I knew there were people out there with this inclination but I didn't know anything about their culture. (I still don't really know but I am learning, in a platonic way.) I don't want to comment about this directly so much as have a discussion (with myself) about the meaning of compersion and getting what one needs from the people in one's world.
Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure when one's partner is with another person. The term is often expressed as "the opposite of jealousy",[2] since that term is used to describe one's pain at a lover's experiences with others.For many years I have been of the opinion that it is far more natural for humans to be attracted to more than one other human, either of the same or opposite sex, but we are ruled so strongly by social constraints that we can't think outside the box, so to speak. (I'm not a social scientist, nor do I play one on T.V., but I'm sure there is something in human history to do with the formation of communities that lead to these social constraints - survival of the species or taxes - since these constraints have been around pre-christianity.) I think more people would be "bi-curious" if they could break out of their social bonds. Now, I am a very liberal minded person but am definitely a victim of social bondage. I would like to think that I could feel compersion, that I could try to act outside the box, that I could find happiness with a person regardless of their sexual orientation, that I might be willing to participate in an unconventional relationship, that I could eat chocolate cake without feeling guilty, but I'm just not sure I could. Is this because of social brainwashing or just my nature? I'm sure I could feel compersion - I'm sure I do, actually - but I'm not sure about any of the other things.Compersion can be said to be a form of empathy; i.e. pleasure that a loved one is experiencing a good thing in his or her life.
I recently had a nice discussion with a SWM who said that he had tried several different "forbidden" things in his life because you never know what you might like until you try it. Now, there are certain things in life that I strongly believe shouldn't fall into this "try it, you might like it" philosophy - murder, heroin, driving on the wrong side of the road, wearing socks with sandals - but perhaps there are other things on this menu that we should all try out, at least once. I do know that I get different things from different relationships. For example, I have two pen-pals from England - both male, both writers, both live in a similar part of the country, both are desperate enough to write to me. My letters to one are of a more serious nature; we discuss global warming, the intricacies of human relationships, politics, our lack of facial hair. My letters to the other are far more silly ; we talk about movies, the outdoors, and other less serious things. Yet, I look forward to each letter with the same amount of anticipation because I get something different but equally fulfilling from both.
I'm not sure what side of the human fence this leaves me on yet but I do know that my butt is getting sore from sitting on top of it. But do we have to be on one side of the fence or the other? Isn't there some sort of no-mans land in between that we can function in happily?
One thing about polyamory that I know I couldn't embrace:
The adjective frubbly and the noun frubbles are sometimes used, in the poly community in the United Kingdom and the United States, to describe the feeling of compersion.[3] These terms are more suited to cheerful, light-hearted conversation, and they are more grammatically versatile, for example: "I'm feeling all frubbly" and "Their relationship fills me with frubbles".Sorry, but I don't think I could bring myself to say "frubbles" with a straight, bi-curious, or polyamorous face.
6 comments:
Here's my question about poly people: What happens when they have a family unit and act on their attraction to another, and then end up liking the other better and leave their family? Isn't it just too tempting to find something better? And how can one feel trully frubbly when their mate might be finding someone else at any time. Even if they don't mind having their mate experience other people, isn't there the lingering risk that the next person might be the one the mate leaves them for?
As a poly person, I have to say that I've never heard "compersion" or "frubbles" before. I like the former, but prefer to wipe the latter forever from my memory. Bleech!
Tava: One of the basic major rules is that you don't begin or advance a secondary relationship unless the primary one is solid and happy. You cannot use distraction to fix a problem - it just causes isolation. I have found poly (and kinky) people to be generally more honest and in-touch than the larger population, both with themselves and with their partners. Examining and communicating rather than smouldering and resenting is a very good thing.
I am utterly, madly in love with my husband. I could never imagine life without him. But my girlfriend gives me another type of love, plus another quick mind to bounce off of. We are a triad (as opposed to a V, where one partner has two sweeties) and I appreciate their affection for each other. When I was out of town this week, they took care of each other and amused me long distance. I love seeing my loved ones happy!
Tava, you're missing the point. When 2 people have a bond and open up their lives to others, that bond doesn't go away. It's monogamous society that says you can only have one or the other. It isn't easy and it takes a LOT of work (mostly in the form of communication!), but it can be done. How can one feel frubbly? Because you know... you really know... that your mate is finding happiness with someone else but that you are STILL important, wanted and desired in their life too. it's a great feeling really. :)
As a poly person myself and a community organizer, I'll have to say that I have never, ever heard the words "frubbles" and "frubbly" used in casual conversation in the U.S. poly community. Those terms did indeed originate with polys in the UK, and the poly yanks seem happy to leave it there. I guess it's sweet, but it's also a bit too silly sounding for my own personal tastes.
Then again, compersion sounds like a pretty heavy-duty concept, and we polys have been known to come off as being entirely too serious about who we are and what we do. Maybe some lightening up is in order after all.
YMMV, of course.
I've been trying to figure out what to say here without getting all teary eyed about my hippy days.
This seems like a really healthy life style. I've known several groups families like this. Even..ahem..been part of one or two.. there I go..teary eyed rememberances.
I'll borrow a phrase from my eldest son.. "OH, RIGHT ON!!" hee hee
On my little high horse here...I was told by a classical language lover that 'polyamory' is a bad grammatical mix of Greek & Latin. More properly it should be either multiamory, or polyfilious. Now, my spelling ain't great, and I only think I recall the later being Greek, but it sounds dirty, and therefore - I like it more! Just wanted to share. Love ~ J
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