Word fun

lexiphanes

One who uses words pretentiously.

nosism

The use of 'we' in referring to oneself.

Insufficiency

When I attain to utter forth in verse
Some inward thought, my soul throbs audibly
Along my pulses, yearning to be free
And something farther, fuller, higher, rehearse
To the individual, true, and the universe,
In consummation of right harmony:
But, like a wind-exposed distorted tree,
We are blown against for ever by the curse
Which breathes through Nature. Oh, the world is weak !
The effluence of each is false to all,
And what we best conceive we fail to speak.
Wait, soul, until thine ashen garments fall,
And then resume thy broken strains, and seek
Fit peroration without let or thrall.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Learning to juggle

Reader: "Where the hell have you been?"

Me: "What do you mean? I've been here, more or less"

Reader: "I don't mean physically. I mean blog-wise. Why haven't you posted for so long?"

Me: "I've been a bit busy lately."

Reader: "Oh. Doing what, exactly?"

Me: "Well, let's see. It's the busiest time of the year for my business so that keeps me pretty busy during the day."

Reader: "Ya. OK. What else is new."

Me: "Um. Then there is my 88-year-old dad who has Parkinson's disease and is pretty pissed off about it. He takes up a bit of my time."

Reader: "Ya, ya, you're a good daughter, we know all that. But what about the blog?"

Me: "Then there is the STBX that finally moved out (sort of) and left behind a load of crap that has to be dealt with - including some of his emotional baggage. I didn't think you'd want to hear about that."

Reader: "Correctamundo! No emotional baggage talk, thank you very much. But there has to be something that you could rant/talk/blog about that might be of interest. Didn't you just take some sort of trip?"

Me: "Oh ya! Bali! That was awesome. I could post some cool photos and tell you about how I rode an elephant or how I had to pay to get out of the country. Would that be interesting?"

Reader: "Yes. That might be nice. As long as you don't go on too long or show too many pictures of all the food you ate."

Me: "Oh. Well that will limit the number of pictures considerably and I'll keep the stories short."

Reader: "Good. Nothing bores a reader more than hearing about the FOOD you ate in some foreign country. I mean, come on. One story about food is OK but don't go overboard."

Me: "Got it. Short and sweet (or sour or tangy, depending on the food). "

Reader: "Anything new on the health front? I'm almost afraid to ask."

Me: "Well, there have been a few blips on the radar with regard to my 'condition' but I don't want to bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that I might be asking for more hats for Christmas. But let's not talk about that yet - we'll cross that rickety bridge if/when we get to it and then we'll all have Mojitos when we get to the other side."

Reader: "Crap! OK. I promise not to ask about your health again. Anything else?"

Me: "Since you asked.....we had to put our 17-year-old dog to sleep earlier this week. It was very sad but definitely the right thing to do. He went quickly and was munching away on dog treats at the time - his favorite thing to do."

Reader: "Bummer! You HAVE had a lot to do lately. I'm sorry I bothered you about the blog. You must think I'm a total jerk."

Me: "No no! Not at all. I really appreciate your interest. I was just worried that I would sound too whiny if I tried to post all this stuff. It helps to get it all off my chest, ya know? Thanks for listening."

Reader: "No problem. Glad to help. So, next post - Bali?"

Me: "And Singapore. Don't forget about Singapore!"

Reader: "Great! I'm looking forward to it."

hallelujah

Whilst listening to Jeff Buckley's awesome version of the song Hallelujah, I decided I needed to post something. It's been a while, I know, but I've had a lot going on. Maybe a little too much. I'll try to recap the last few weeks as briefly as possible:

work = busy
home life = strained but moving forward
STBX = moved out
mood = good
on-line life = fun and different
OKC = over and out
UK friend = mad about me, calls daily
Other OKC friends = still in contact
off-line life = fun and different
dinner date = new "activity" partner (strictly platonic)
new activity partner = lots of gifts!
health = still in question but thinking positively
CT = clear
CA125 = not so clear (WTF!)
quest for iPod = complete!

That's it, in outline form. I am ramping up for my trip to Singapore and Bali at the end of the week!!!!!!!!! Only problem is I have NO idea what I'm going to wear. It's going to be over 90 and sticky the whole time I'm there. I don't know about you but if I'm wearing a skirt and it's hot and sticky, so are my thighs. I hate that. I'll have to do some creative wardrobe thinking. As Edna Mode would say - NO SHORTS! I'm going to try to post while there if I can. I'll take lots of pictures and keep a hand written diary (imagine that) so I will have lots of fodder for the blog.

love it!

bissextile
Of or pertaining to the leap year or the extra day in the leap year.

Is that a great word or what!

Animus

I've been struggling with what could be called "writer's block," but that would be presumptuous as I am not truly a writer in the classical sense. Is there a thing called "blogger's block?" If so, that's what I've had.....until this morning.

This morning I took out the New York Times' Magazine, as usual, and out came the obnoxiously fat, tree-killing, toxic ink filled Eye Candy: Women's Fashion Fall 2007. Normally I happily toss these special editions into the recycle bin without a glance. For some unknown reason I decided to flip through this ventilation of style. Perhaps this was caused by some imbalance of my limbic system or the need for more greens in my diet. Regardless of the reason, it did help me break out of my literary stagnation. And it PISSED ME OFF!

Now, I am not against looking nice, wearing clothes that make you feel attractive, getting a haircut that is flattering, but I do have a problem with so-called high fashion. Let's not get into the bit about how no normal shaped people can wear any of it, or afford it if they could wear it, or want to be seen dead in most of it. Let's skip right to the part about the waste of human resources and what a slap in the face it is to most of the earthly population. The amount of time and money put into this vapid industry is staggering! And who does it benefit? Who??? If Dior or Vera Wang were to suddenly disappear from the planet, would the balance of nature be thrown out of whack? Would the glaciers melt or the temperature of the oceans suddenly rise? It might change the economic status of some small community in China, throwing its slave labor into the street, but it would not cause any major shift in the space time continuum. Imagine what could be done with that money! The people it could house and feed....and clothe! It isn't a club to which I feel the need to belong.....anymore.

When I was a kid, we lived in West Palm Beach, Florida. West Palm was to the west (on the mainland) of one of one of the world's Mecca's of vacuousness - Palm Beach. We drove over to "the island" every weekend to mingle with the rich folk. We strolled through the shops on Worth Avenue (ironically named, I think) and sunned on its beaches. As a teen, I crashed parties at The Breakers on New Year's Eve and pretended to be staying at a number of the other high-class hotels while using their pools or private beaches. This required a great deal of planned dialogue with my cohorts that could be heard by other patrons to prove our rightful belonging. These fake conversations included references to our yacht, our trip to St. Barts, a visit to our Aunt in Cannes, etc. Any mention of a sale at Jordan Marsh or problems with one's Dodge Dart were strictly forbidden for they could blow your cover in a heart beat! Also, the carrying of a stolen room key was essential for credibility. (One of our cohorts actually lived in Palm Beach as a child, before her parents' fall from grace and economic decline, and had several important icons from her past that allowed us access to forbidden places.)

I would like to think that I didn't go to these places so much because of a desire to be like these people - I thought they were rude and ridiculous for the most part - but because I wanted to put one over on them, so to speak. I wanted to wear my Sears bought bathing suit in their gold-plated pools and my K-Mart flip flops on their teak decks and rub it in their face. I wanted them to know that they had nothing on me. Oh yes, I bought my requisite Izod shirt at the Izod store on the Ave, I wore my Speary Topsider shoes, and I ate at the absurdly overpriced Hamburger Heaven with my mother, but I like to think that I never bought into all the "we are better than you" crap that flowed like honey over there. One of my high school buddies worked for Gucci on the Ave and was in charge of taking care of the designer's apartment above the shop. We spent several evenings wandering through the apartment, spying on the inner workings of the über-rich. Guess what - they have to buy toilet paper and foot cream, just like everybody else. I'm not sure where I'm going with all this but it just seemed like something I needed to get out.

As I sit in my bed wearing my Olympic National Park T-shirt and my pajama bottoms with dancing reindeer on them, I reflect on what it means to be stylish and what if any importance this has on my ability to function in this world. I do think that beauty has it's place - in nature, mostly - and it would not be a happy world if we all dressed and looked alike. I just wish we could do it within reason and not at the expense of others.

Books on tape

I have become addicted to listening to books on tape or CD. When I was home last year, recovering from the removal of a great deal of my insides, my brother loaned me his iPod full of books. (I believe that I now have a permanent dent in one of my ears where I slept on one of the ear buds.) I listened to at least 40 books during that time and now I find that I can not go to sleep at night without something on the Aiwa - my cheap mini stereo purchased at the local pawn shop. In the beginning of my addiction I would cruise the shelves of the local library for my new drug, often bringing home lower quality items just for the sake of having something. I have since graduated to cruising my library account on the Web and requesting higher quality stuff to be delivered to our little library in LFP. This has allowed me to be more selective but sometimes means that I have to wait for what I need. (Thank goodness we own some Harry Potter CDs to fill in the gaps.)

My latest listen is fantastic: Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson;the Whitbread Book of the Year (1995?). Not only is it highly amusing and wonderfully written, it is read by Susan Jameson; a great British actress. I find that I am spoiled by books read by Brits. When I get a book read by an American speaker, it is almost always disappointing, no matter how great the story. The only exception to this was The Poisonwood Bible read with a heavy southern accent appropriate to the story. The back of a box of cornflakes read aloud by a Brit could sound like Shakespeare, I think. I will have to ask my new UK friends if they think an American's accent sounds at all pleasing or exotic. Probably not.

Zoo Day

I love the zoo. If I had the time I would be a docent. I use to have doubts about the need for zoos so I have tried to learn more about them. They do serve a purpose other than entertaining humans. I will continue to support this zoo for a very long time.


Wallaroos enjoying the sunshine



I love the butterfly house


Golden Lion Tamarin


One of our favorites


We actually got to FEED the giraffes! It was amazing. They are such beautiful animals.



The elephants are still mourning the loss of Hansa.

Life is like......

......a sushi bar conveyor belt.

I was having lunch with my daughter yesterday at Blue C Sushi when the meaning of life hit me in the face like a wet mackerel.

You sit at the bar and watch different choices pass in front of you. Sometimes you have to wait for what you want to come by; sometimes you choose something that turns out to be not so good; sometimes you have to push the little button to get someones attention so they can get you what you want. The dishes pile up and you pay for what you've taken.

There are those of you out there that sit and wait and wait for the right thing to come by and never think of pushing the little button, and there are those of you out there that see what they want but are afraid to take it for fear that it won't be good. The balanced person takes what they want, asks for help when they need it, is willing to take a chance on the unsure, and can pay for it all. What kind of person are you?

I know you've missed this kind of entry.....

Here is a photo of someone who wanted to chat with me today. He lives in Pratt, KS - appropriately enough. He describes himself as a crossdresser, openminded and submissive.

"I am looking for a friend that I can go into Wichita and have help me shop for dresses, skirts, and other fun clothes. I love Maurices, Fredericks, Macys, and all the nice stores. I also enjoy going to the adult stores and trying on lingerie. Would love to have someone to shop with."

Let me be clear....I have nothing, and I do mean nothing against cross dressers, open minded, or submissive people but.... why write to me? I don't live in Wichita; I can't take you shopping; and I certainly don't look good in short plaid skirts!

In other news, I did receive the most amazing short story from one of my UK friends today. It was brilliant! He was entering it in a contest and I hope he wins. I wish I could write like that. I'll see if he will let me post it here some day.

Carry on!

Blah-ging

Sorry for not posting for a bit. I've been a little busy/lazy/tired. I guess having to read all of those messages from admirers really takes a lot out of a girl.

I'm really excited about all of the comments on my poly posting. I think this is what blogs are really for - an exchange of ideas. I've learned so much since that posting. Thanks to everyone for putting in their two cents.

On the OKC front: I've been corresponding with my two lads in the UK and really enjoying it. As I mentioned before, they are very different. One is a bit Eeyore-like and the other more like Rabbit, I think. Eeyore is sweet and kind and a bit unsure about his place in the world. He likes talking about everyday things - I think they bring him comfort. I enjoy talking with him but I find that I don't write with the same humor as I do with others. Funny how that happens.

Rabbit has some bitterness in his life but uses his sense of humor to struggle through it. He is the writer of ghost stories and is studying for his Ph.D. in English. We write very silly messages and LOL is used a lot. The trouble is, he sent me a few of his stories and asked for some input. This is a problem as I am not one to hide my opinion about things (surprise, surprise) and I thought the stories had some flaws. Okay, that's being too kind - some of them were not too bad but two were really awful. I made what I thought were some constructive comments about the worst one and didn't say anything about the others. He assumed that this meant that I thought they were fine. Ack!! I think I'll have to ask him to stop sending me stories and switch to jewelry or chocolate instead.

On the flip side of this coin, I think by NiceGuy from Oregon is being just that - nice. He sent me a very sweet - maybe too sweet - message saying how lovely it is to chat with me and that he'll be busy this week and unable to write. When I checked the site this morning I noticed that he had time to post a rather long journal entry. I am pretty sure that he writes me just to be nice and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. How sad is that! Once, in my awkward youth, a friend of mine asked a boy I liked if he thought I was cute and his response was "she has good skin." This was kid code for "gag me." (bad flashback!) That's how NGs messages make me feel. Not ugly and awkward but just....not right.

It seems that my poly friend is the only one that I can be truly honest with! No chance of relationship so, nothing to hide or feel bad about. He wrote me to let me know that he and his partner had their au pair/girlfriend living with them now (she arrived from wherever it is they use to live) and so equilibrium has been achieved in his world. We still plan on getting together sometime but with the whole gang, I think. That should be fun! Nothing like being the fourth wheel with a threesome.

I'm sorry, but.......

Why me? This is from a 27-year-old guy in D.C.:

My name is xxxxxx and am from usa in st newjersey.am a businessman i have my own company and stores which i sell cloths,shoes,electronics and many more....I'm intelligent, fun,faithful..,I'm honest, caring, giving,hard worker, trusting, honest, ,open minded well I enjoy playing golf, watching movies,cooking dinner at home and watching t.v...am new on the internet i just join here am also new here well am a here looking for a woman i will spent the rest of my life with...I like to meet a woman who will be honest with me...THE woMAN I AM LOOKING FOR is able to share his heart and life with me..sHe is not on this site to play online games but wants to develop a real life long term loving relationship...as i told u am new that is why i have not fill much of my profile... I believe that true love exists. I just have to find it...I would like to find consistency and honesty in my partner. I can offer the world to the right person. Sometimes you have to take a chance on love. T I will have hers for sure.I'm looking for something serious and long term- so here I am . I love to travel,Friends are like diamonds; they are rare and very precious.
Treat them carefully and lovingly and keep them safe in your heart so you'll never lose them .....Stars are like friends; there's always some around, you just need to find your favorite one One of the best feelings in the world is to touch and warm someone's heart, whether it be your love or just a friend, almost nothing can feel better A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find and lucky to have.....There comes a time in every life we find the heart we're looking for..All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.Hello.. how are u doing i hope u are doing good as i am well i know that u are the woman i have been dreaming to have in life the woman i have been thinking when i was a child well... HOPE TO HERE FROM U SOOM......Yourfrined brown u can add me to your yahoo this is id high_spirit2003@yahoo.com see u byee :u can add me so we talk there okay take care and have a nice loving day...................

I'm sorry but, WTF! I feel a bit evil about posting this - I mean, I wouldn't want someone posting my lame-ass email on the internet for others to make fun of. But, WTF!!! At least the widower from NJ who was looking to replace his wife could complete a sentence.

Poly want to crack her?

Yesterday as I walked to work, I had time to think about my next blog post. (I wish I had one of those little tape recorders plugged into my brain so I could download all the thoughts - now I'll have to try and remember them all!) I wanted to write something clever about my recent education about the polyamorous world. Well, not so much an education but a Cliff's Notes browse. I did, at least, learn a new word: compersion (more about this later).

Let us begin with the Wikipedia definition of polyamory:

Polyamory (from poly=multiple + amor=love) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is distinct from polygamy, being closer to a personal outlook than a predefined bonding system. It is grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of freewill, and the more novel idea of compersion, rather than in cultural or religious tradition.

Although I feel rather versed in the nuances of the gay world, having close friends and family members involved, I had not until very recently had a single clue about this part of society. Oh sure, I knew there were people out there with this inclination but I didn't know anything about their culture. (I still don't really know but I am learning, in a platonic way.) I don't want to comment about this directly so much as have a discussion (with myself) about the meaning of compersion and getting what one needs from the people in one's world.

Compersion is a term used by practitioners of polyamory to describe the experience of taking pleasure when one's partner is with another person. The term is often expressed as "the opposite of jealousy",^[2] since that term is used to describe one's pain at a lover's experiences with others.

Compersion can be said to be a form of empathy; i.e. pleasure that a loved one is experiencing a good thing in his or her life.

For many years I have been of the opinion that it is far more natural for humans to be attracted to more than one other human, either of the same or opposite sex, but we are ruled so strongly by social constraints that we can't think outside the box, so to speak. (I'm not a social scientist, nor do I play one on T.V., but I'm sure there is something in human history to do with the formation of communities that lead to these social constraints - survival of the species or taxes - since these constraints have been around pre-christianity.) I think more people would be "bi-curious" if they could break out of their social bonds. Now, I am a very liberal minded person but am definitely a victim of social bondage. I would like to think that I could feel compersion, that I could try to act outside the box, that I could find happiness with a person regardless of their sexual orientation, that I might be willing to participate in an unconventional relationship, that I could eat chocolate cake without feeling guilty, but I'm just not sure I could. Is this because of social brainwashing or just my nature? I'm sure I could feel compersion - I'm sure I do, actually - but I'm not sure about any of the other things.

I recently had a nice discussion with a SWM who said that he had tried several different "forbidden" things in his life because you never know what you might like until you try it. Now, there are certain things in life that I strongly believe shouldn't fall into this "try it, you might like it" philosophy - murder, heroin, driving on the wrong side of the road, wearing socks with sandals - but perhaps there are other things on this menu that we should all try out, at least once. I do know that I get different things from different relationships. For example, I have two pen-pals from England - both male, both writers, both live in a similar part of the country, both are desperate enough to write to me. My letters to one are of a more serious nature; we discuss global warming, the intricacies of human relationships, politics, our lack of facial hair. My letters to the other are far more silly ; we talk about movies, the outdoors, and other less serious things. Yet, I look forward to each letter with the same amount of anticipation because I get something different but equally fulfilling from both.

I'm not sure what side of the human fence this leaves me on yet but I do know that my butt is getting sore from sitting on top of it. But do we have to be on one side of the fence or the other? Isn't there some sort of no-mans land in between that we can function in happily?

One thing about polyamory that I know I couldn't embrace:

The adjective frubbly and the noun frubbles are sometimes used, in the poly community in the United Kingdom and the United States, to describe the feeling of compersion.^[3] These terms are more suited to cheerful, light-hearted conversation, and they are more grammatically versatile, for example: "I'm feeling all frubbly" and "Their relationship fills me with frubbles".

Sorry, but I don't think I could bring myself to say "frubbles" with a straight, bi-curious, or polyamorous face.

I am Kermit the Frog

I've started to really enjoy these little OKC tests. Some of the questions are outrageously funny or outrageously stupid. The shorter the better. Two more I took yesterday: What is Your Spirit Guide Animal? (Wolf - very hip) and What Seasame Street Character are You? (Kermie!). I like both of those outcomes, I think. Kermit is cool, right? I'm sure he's a Libra.

My child came back from vacation last night. Two weeks at grandmas was good but she was happy to be back with her dogs. Not back with me, mind you, but the dogs. They got a far more affectionate greeting than I did. I have to say that it did hurt my feelings just a bit, not that I was in any way surprised. She has always been better with animals than people but I gave birth to her for cryin' out loud! Long, painful, back-labor, c-section BIRTH!! I think I deserve a little hug and kiss now and then. (She did bring me a bag of LEGOs and some Jersey tomatoes.)

I'm humourous

62% Warmth, 50% Moisture

You are of the choleric temperament, ruled by the element of Fire. This humour's personality is usually active, energetic, hasty, and clever, but prone to foolishness through not taking the time to think. The medieval handbooks say that choleric people "have wine of the lion" - That is, they become angry and violent when drunk.

No, I don't! Really! I think I failed this test. Golden retrievers and otters are NOT angry drunks!

OKC update: The nice guy in Oregon that I thought was ignoring me has been writing to me. We had a very nice IM session this morning. (I love IM in the morning.) And then there is this kind of odd-in-a-good-way bloke in the UK who has been emailing me. I'm not sure why the 19-year-old from Kenmore sent me an email - maybe he thought I was his mom's friend or something. I don't even want to go there.

Mosquito Coast

Well, it wasn't really the coast so much as the bank of a river. I borrowed my neighbor's cabin (just west of Leavenworth) for the weekend for some much desired R&R. I went with my friend KnittinKitten, her daughter, and our dogs. It was clear the SECOND we got there that we were not going to get a lot of communing with nature done, unless you consider being covered with insects communing. The heat was a bit oppressive as well. Fortunately, we were all happy to be lazy and found lots to do (or not do) inside. We did venture in to Leavenworth for a day and practiced our running from shady spot to shady spot - the only exercise we got (besides improving our Yahtzee arms).

On the way to the cabin, we stopped at a rural market to grab something to make for dinner. (Thank goodness they were out of opossum!) This market had a little rundown restaurant attached to it called - sadly enough - The Happy Clown. This place was right out of an X-files episode, complete with inbred patrons and a female clerk with a shiner. The story possibilities are endless!!! The only thing missing was the banjo player. Oh, for some of Stephen King's literary genes!!!

I'm an otter-retriever

Let me explain. On the okcupid sight, they ask you to take all kinds of funny tests to get to know you better. I decided to take the animal personality test. I had a feeling I'd come out like a dog; otter was a bit of a surprise. Here are my test results:

Your Score: Otter-Retriever

You scored 65% Otter, 50% Lion, 30% Beaver, and 65% Golden Retriever!

Your personality is chacterized with both Golden Retriever and Otter personality traits.

Golden retrievers appreciate the value of a close relationship, and can deal with commitment. You're thoughtful, nurturing and tolerant... people know that they can go to you if they need to be comforted. However, your caring nature may make it difficult to say no, and your sensitivity can cause you to get hurt a lot. Golden Retrievers are very adaptable, compassionate, and great team players.

Otters are fun-loving, spontaneous creatures. Always optimistic, otters can sometimes overlook important details or move at a pace that's a little too fast for everyone to keep up with. They aren't usually into details, and may have a problem with procrastinating. However, otters are very social and have a great love for people. They may be very charismatic and have lots of friends.

Hmmm. I hope this doesn't mean that I will be rolling in dead things and liking my privates. It certainly doesn't help to explain why some bozo named h0tb0y sent me a message with a picture of himself spanking the monkey! Ewwwwwwwwwwwww!!! What is WRONG with people!

Sentence Sensibility

I wish I could say that the title of this post was of my own invention but it is not. It is, however, the title of an article in the New York Times Magazine that addresses my current predicament AND is a play on words using the title of one of my favorite books/movies. The author of the article, Jaimie Epstein, has been thrust into the world of online happiness seeking due to a broken heart. She is, by her own description, a "literary person," and often the editor of the famous On Language column for the Times. This causes her great distress when she receives emails from prospective suitors with misspellings, bad grammar, and all sorts of other language faux pas. I am not quite as bothered by malapropriated author's names or sentences ending in prepositions but perhaps only because I am not a language expert and a notoriously bad speller.

Some of the things Jaimie and I have in common are: 1] the need for seemingly endless self examination with regard to our new online persona; 2] the use of parenthetical asides (like this one) when we want to interject otherwise invisible social cues for our readers; 3] the unavoidable judgment of the other online happiness seekers based on their ability/inability to complete a comprehensible sentence and 4] the need to make lists. Okay, I'm not sure about that last one but the first three are definitely true. (And just so ya know, I had to spellcheck at least 3 of the words in the previous sentence.)

It was nice to read about someone in the same proverbial boat who saw light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. I'm not sure if I see a light or just the glare of the windshield of the oncoming bus but a girl's gotta hope!

More Poetry

Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even,
the miserable and the crotchety –
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light –
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

by Mary Oliver

Wandering Rocks and other things

Yesterday I took my 88-year-old dad to SAM's Olympic Sculpture Park. It was a beautiful day and we had a very nice time. Unfortunately, I only had a crummy little disposable camera with me - left over from my recent kayaking trip - so I doubt that the pictures I took are going to be all that great. (I borrowed this one from their Website.) I can't wait to go back with more time and a better camera.

Dad uses a walker so I arranged to borrow a wheelchair for the day. When we had finished walking down through the sculpture park, I decided the quicker way back up to the car was over the railroad tracks and straight up the hill instead of via the switchbacks. I only have my wheelchair driving learners permit and didn't realize that you shouldn't go forward over the tracks. See, the little front wheels tend to turn sideways and get stuck in the cracks between the rails. Fortunately, I was able to get them out before the train smooshed us like bugs and quickly realized that going backwards over the tracks worked much better. And the even better news is, when I was having this trouble, a guy driving by pulled over to offer assistance! Pulled over! It restored my faith in humanity after the Bozo of Best Buy incident.

Like a virgin

I've done it. I've started sending some messages to people on okcupid. Now, because this is a new adventure, I tend to log in at least once or twice a day (or 10) to see what's happening and to take more "improve your matchability" tests and to check my mail. So far, I've only heard from two people - the bi-guy looking for friends (BG) and the somewhat normal guy (NG) looking to chat. BG and his partner have a kid and seem pretty nice but are just friend material. The NG guy also seems nice but just for chatting. I took the initiative and wrote to someone I thought might be fun guy (FG) but he hasn't returned the favor yet. If I don't receive a reply to a message sent, does it mean:

a] the guy is on vacation and hasn't read his mail in a while?
b] he has seen your profile/image and finds you repulsive?
c] he was injured in a sky diving accident in which he broke all the bones in his body and is having to peck out his messages with his nose and it's taking a very long time?
d] he has received SOOOOOOOO many "woo" messages that he just hasn't had time to respond to them all?
e] the idea of speaking to a woman with such impressive credentials as mine is intimidating and it's taking a while to come up with a clever enough message to impress me?
f] he choked on a turkey sandwich and is lying dead on his couch in front of the TV which is tuned to the porn channel?
f] zombies have taken over his neighborhood and he is holed up in his basement with nothing but a lighter and some Pez and is kicking himself for not getting wi-fi?

I hope it isn't [b] and if it's [f], I better get out the buzz saw and start boarding up my windows.

UPDATE: Oh my GOD! I think I just saw a photo of someone I know! He's the dad of one of my kid's friends. Oh noooooooooooooooooo!

What the.....

I have taken the advice of several friends and switched over to okcupid.com for my daily humiliation. It has been fun, so far, I must admit. I have received messages from a nice bisexual, polyamorous couple who are new to the area and want to make friends; a woo message from some guy named hornytom; a relatively normal message from a relatively normal person who wants to chat, and this guy (who, thank ALLAH, lives somewhere in NY):

it`s a plessure writting to know u nore. as a new friend, i read ur profile and i was overwhelmed with joy to see aperson of my kin and likeness, i will love to hear from u, pleased don`t feel embarrased, it is the feeling i got from ur profile. write me so we talk more better.
with regards from,
Enzo.

I'm a tolerant and open-minded person but how exactly am I "a person of his kin and likeness?????" I have GOT to get a better picture taken. (E! Help me out here!)

pain and suffering

Today was the day that my daughter and I went shopping for her birthday present - a digital camera. We have both been anticipating this purchase with great delight - not the me paying for it part, but the me getting to borrow it part. We got one of the higher-end Power Shots and it's awesome!! (Yes, I am now in debt and will have to sell myself to the devil to pay for it but, what the hell.) We opened it up as soon as we got in the car so we could start taking pictures right away. We putz with it a little and then I put the key in the ignition and turned it........click.....click....click.........nothin'. I had been mildly warned before leaving the house that the car had been acting a bit odd but not to worry.

After several attempts at starting the car and a visit to the Starbucks for sustenance, I gave in and called for help. You might want to read my previous post entitle "fire in the hole" for a little refresher about how these car related conversations usually go. Let's begin:

me: "Hey, I can't start the car and I think you should come out here or maybe I should just call a tow truck."

M: "Did you jiggle the stick?"

me: "yep"

M: "Well, do it again, I'm sure it will start."

me: "I've been trying on and off for over 45 minutes now and I really think we'll have to have 'er towed to the dealership."

M: "No. I'll come out there. I'm sure it will start if you jiggle the stick right."

Meanwhile, the battery on the new camera is dead because it hadn't really been charged up yet so there isn't much to do now. And it is HOT in the parking lot at Best frickin' Buy.

Three hours later and after a lot of fiddlin' with knobs and jumper cables*, the car still won't start and the tow truck is called. 'Nough said.

*Just a side note here. When the guy parked next to us came out of the Best Buy with what looked to be his 10-year-old son, M kindly asked him if he would be able to help us with a jump and he says, "no, I don't think so." No eye contact, no "sorry, I wish I could help but I've got a plane to catch," no "sprechen sie keine English." What an ass! And what a great example to set for your child. "Son, when you see people in need, don't look 'em in the eye or offer assistance, just head for the hills."

UPDATE: Turns out that we might have been able to start the car on our own and avoid the tow if M hadn't put back one of the fuses he checked in the wrong slot. But we did end up needing a new battery and some other stuff that came to over $500!! Ugh.

le' go my LEGO

Last night I died and went to heaven. I know, freaky isn't it! I died yet I can still write this blog from the great beyond! Okay, what really happened is that I discovered the LEGO store in Bellevue. You heard me - the LEGO STORE, in my state, within driving distance. Granted, it isn't as amazing as the LEGO store outside of Disneyland - no life-sized giraffe made out of LEGOs - but it does have the LEGO wall. You buy a cup for X amount and then cram that sucker as full of LEGOs as you can. They had colors that I've never seen in a LEGO before, like bright orange and lime green. That's right, LIME GREEN! (Oh my gosh, as I'm writing this there is a show on the TV where the family is visiting Legoland! Do, do, do do.....)

I was think that opening a LEGO shop would be great so I actually wrote to the company to ask if I could open a store. Here is what they said:

"We appreciate your interest in the possibility of opening a retail outlet carrying a full line of LEGO brand toys in your area. Your interest in this type of business venture certainly does attest to your enthusiasm for our products.

We would like to explain how LEGO toys are sold. Our products are marketed through a variety of established retail distribution channels; toy supermarkets, national chain discount stores, catalog showrooms, department stores, and specialty toyshops. Additionally, the LEGO Shop at Home Service and LEGO Outlet Stores are corporate direct-marketing programs. In conjunction with our business objectives, we do not offer any sort of franchises or assist in establishing businesses for individuals who wish to sell our products exclusively."

I think that's a nice way of saying "nah uh, you freak." I wrote back telling them that I think they are making a mistake. We'll just have to see how that goes over.

The Wall of Happiness

Turning Japanese

This past Monday I had lunch with my friend Roy. Roy is in his 70's and is the father of my best bud PR. He is by far the coolest "old guy" I know. We had lunch at the Bay Cafe at Fisherman's Warf and then went for a walk in Discovery Park. It was a beautiful day for walking and talking. (I told him about my ruminations about the Demartini method, poor guy.) Roy is a fantastic photographer. He is a member of the Seattle Photographic Society and has won many awards over the years. I just received a DVD in the mail today with several of his favorite photographs. I will be posting many of his photos in my new "photo of the week" section. This man should be making money with these things! He has such a great eye. If only he were a few years younger.....

(This photo is of Discovery Park and was taken by Patricia Reed.)

Fire in the hole

I was just reading the Yarn Harlot blog about the moving guys and the stove (titled: the way things are) and was reminded of a similar story that I like to tell about men's stupidity.

When we were living in NY we had one car between the two of us. It was the Mazda GLC I bought when I was in grad school. After many years of NY city driving, the ol' GLC was starting to have serious problems. When it came time to retire ol' yeller, we decided to drive it to the LDEO campus and leave it in the back parking lot where all the old cars were left to be hijacked by aliens or towed away, whichever came first.

It was a cold and snowy day; not actively snowing but there was slush on the road and driving was tricky. I was driving the old car and M was driving behind me in the new car to make sure I made it up the final hill to campus. I was almost to the top when the car finally gave out and I had to pull over. I got out and saw flames underneath the car. Here is how events unfolded from there:

me: "Hey M, the car is on fire!"

M: "No it isn't"

me: "Yes, it is. I see flames! Get some snow to throw on the engine or something!"

M: "Nah. The car isn't on fire."

me: "But I see flames!"

M: "No you don't."

Guy in a Jeep driving by: "Hey man, your car is on fire!"

M: "Oh man! You're right! Thanks!"

Result: $80 to tow car 500 feet to said parking lot and much scowling on my part. Like I said, men are stupid.

Giving in

It may be time for me to throw in the towel, and the credit card, and sign up for this on-line dating thing. Maybe I'm just fresh meat but I've received 4 inquiries or, as they call it, "interested in you" emails from chemistry.com and they get more interesting each time. I'm not sure if Assad and I will have a lot in common but it might be interesting to find out, don't ya think? Especially since I'm all ready with my new Demartini outlook. Let's review the pros and cons of this venture:

pro: free meals
con: leg shaving
pro: fun times
con: stomach sucking
pro: getting compliments
con: taking compliments
pro: finding someone who likes me for who I am
con: more leg shaving
pro: having a smile on my face all the time
con: having to explain the smile on my face and clean shaven legs to the soon-to-be ex-husband living in the basement and my teen-aged daughter without looking like some sort of brazen hussy just looking for a good time and a free meal.

Oh, but since I'm in the Demartini-zone now, it's all good, right?

Martinis or Demartinis?

I have become addicted to listening to books on tape (or CD). I've always enjoyed reading but since opening the store, I haven't had time. Or more specifically, I haven't figured out how to knit or crochet and read at the same time. Watch TV, yes; read, no. When I was recovering last year, my brother was kind enough to lend me his iPod which he had filled with 40 books! It was wonderful. I find now that I must be listening to something when I go to bed or I find it hard to fall asleep.

Last night, I was listening to a story on my computer when my daughter asked me to copy the story onto a CD so she could listen to it. This meant that I could not listen to the story at the same time and was therefor forced to turn on the radio or go through auditory withdrawal - not pretty. (Geez, what a big setup for my point. And I do have a point, I think.) It was late-ish and a rather obscure new-agey type of show was on. I wasn't going to actually listen to what they were talking about because it sounded a bit too touchy-feely for me but I found myself paying attention after a bit. (We're getting closer, I promise.) It turns out the host was interviewing a Dr. Demartini - a self-help kind of guy who seemed extremely full of himself and very A.D.D.. I did a lot of eye rolling and "whatever" muttering as I listened. Basically, his philosophy has to do with neutralizing all your positive and negative feelings about things in order to balance out your life and make yourself happy. He didn't say that in such simple terms - there was a lot of talk about "love matrix" and "divine love," blah, blah, blah; yatta, yatta, yatta. Here's a description of the Demartini method:

The method involves the use of a pre-determined series of questions and actions directed toward the objective of bringing an individual's conscious mind to states of presence and certainty, and to their physical body the feelings of gratitude and unconditional love.

The gist of it is that you think positive about the negative and negative about the positive and it all comes out in the wash and you can be rich and happy and live in a big house in Australia. If someone tells you your an asshole, you say: "why yes I am, thank you very much for noticing," and go on about your business. (I call this the Popeye Theory o' Life - "I am what I am.") He also talks about something that I'm going to call Fickle Feelings. That is, you can transfer your neutralized feelings from one thing to another without penalty because you are finding the positive in all things. So, when his wife died suddenly, it was okay for him to boink the young neighbor because all he was doing was transferring his positive feelings for the dead wife to this living person. No mourning necessary. How convenient for him! It's also okay to get paid enormous amounts of money by people who are miserable with their lives because money is just an exchange medium for services - all positive - and he has no attachment to it. (He isn't attached to it because he spends it all on houses in Australia and his Gold Rolls Royce, etc.) Damn! I want a method!

Although I find this guy nauseating, I did find one thing he talked about thought-worthy. If you set unrealistic goals for yourself, you will be unhappy. I think that's not to say that you shouldn't have your dreams exceed your reach but you actually have to have the (metaphorical) arms to reach with or your screwed. So I can't be a superhero with x-ray vision but I can learn to fly. (Finally, a reference to Martinis!)

Cowgirls shouldn't wear thongs

Saturday night I went to a Cowgirl party at a friend's on Capital Hill. The board game is designed to encourage story telling and is a HOOT to play with the right crowd. (Think of it as Trivial Pursuit meets The View.) You move your horse around the board collecting charms by answering questions, etc. (See sample card below.) The first to get to the Ranch with all her charms wins the game. I highly recommend serving margaritas or just straight shots of tequila for the best game play.

There are some of my friends that would not enjoy this sort of sharing game but, then again, it might give them an excuse to talk about things that they normally wouldn't talk about. It might be best to play with people who you aren't all that close to so if something "delicate" comes up, you don't have to worry about the little tidbit getting spread around your usual circle. Most of the questions where innocuous enough but some where pretty deep. One of the categories was called "sex and body"- this category had the best questions by far, so we made sure to ask that question in addition to whatever question was required. It was WAY more fun that way. (It was a "mixed" crowd so lots of good stories.)

I was in charge of the food which, if you know me at all, could have been disastrous. Cooking is not my forte. I made enchiladas and I winged it all the way. They turned out great! I made two big pans - about 16 enchiladas. Here's my recipe:

Ingredients
corn tortillas, warmed in a frying pan until they are soft
1 bag of Trader Joe's organic roasted corn
1 small can of chilies (or fresh ones, if you're that kind of person)
2 cans organic black beans
1 large can of green enchilada sauce
1 yellow and 1 red pepper sliced or diced
shredded cheese of your choice (I used a monterrey jack/cheddar mix)
Option: chicken pieces.

I fried the peppers just a little bit to soften them up - you could steam them instead.
Mix the corn, beans, and chilies in a bowl. Roll up this mix with a few of the pepper strips in the warmed tortillas and lay them in a baking pan. Cover with the sauce and sprinkle on the cheese. Pop it in a 350º oven until the cheese is melted. Garnish with cilantro, if you have it lying around. Yummy.

Here's a picture of the Cowgirls. The hostess has more photos that she's going to load on Flicker soon, I hope. There were some good ones.

chemistry redeux

I just got an email from chemistry.com that said someone was interested in me. I didn't think that my profile was actually posted! Ew, ew, ew.... I don't think I like this. The good news is that I don't have to respond if I don't want to. I really don't want to. And just so you know, I made that decision before I went on line and read this guys profile and saw his picture. Okay, so if he had really wowed me with his essay and picture I might have been tempted but... that didn't happen. (To be totally honest, he looked a lot like my second boyfriend from college. Not a great plus.) I don't think this is the route for me. Too weird or too soon or too--- something. I'll just have to wait for some nice guy to accidentally come in to the shop to ask for directions and then "accidentally" break the lock on the door so he can't get out and has no choice but to talk to me. Isn't that how Black Widow spiders catch their mate?

Along the lines of personal chemistry, I have decided that it is time for me to acquire a personal "scent." Okay, when I re-read that sentence it sounds kind of gross but let me explain. Somewhere in the back of my brain that holds all the useless bits about personal style (I call it the Oprahabium) is a memory about an article or show regarding things that define you stylistically - ya know, like always wearing a scarf or thongs. Anyway, having a personal scent was one of those things that can help define you, albeit superficially. What the heck, I could use some superficiality, couldn't you? (I think that's a title of an 80's song by Big Flock of Haircuts, or someone like that.) Perfume has always given me a headache so I've never bothered with it but that nagging little ache in my Oprahabium was needing attention all of the sudden. So, I went into Sephora and told the clerk that I wanted to smell like fresh citrus; a scent I've always liked. We sprayed a bunch of different scents on sticks and waved them around under my nose until I found one that didn't immediately make me nauseated. I sprayed some on me and walked around for a while to see if it turned sour or made me itchy. About one hour later, a purchase was made! The scent is Mandarine and Basile and so far, so good. No rashes, no headaches, no urges to lick my arms. So now I can die happy knowing that my friends will have something to say about me at my funeral --- "she always smelled like salad."

Poetry by Mary Oliver

Lilies

I have been thinking
about living
like the lilies
that blow in the fields.

They rise and fall
in the edge of the wind,
and have no shelter
from the tongues of the cattle,

and have no closets or cupboards,
and have no legs.
Still I would like to be
as wonderful

as the old idea.
But if I were a lily
I think I would wait all day
for the green face

of the hummingbird
to touch me.
What I mean is,
could I forget myself

even in those feathery fields?
When Van Gogh
preached to the poor
of coarse he wanted to save someone--

most of all himself.
He wasn't a lily,
and wandering through the bright fields
only gave him more ideas

it would take his life to solve.
I think I will always be lonely
in this world, where the cattle
graze like a black and white river--

where the vanishing lilies
melt, without protest, on their tongues--
where the hummingbird, whenever there is a fuss,
just rises and floats away.

Mary Oliver

chemistry

Okay. I know I said I have a headache and that is still true. I also think some of my brains have leaked out because I just went on chemistry.com and filled out my profile. I guess I'm curious. So, the first thing they have you do on your "profile" test is describe your right hand! That's what I said - describe your hand! (Is your index finger shorter or longer than your ring finger, etc.) WTF!! Then they ask you some real questions about your personality. Then they have you do some more visual acuity tests! What, if you have good spacial ability you can't be matched with an asymmetric person? They want a photo - you are 8 times more likely to find a good match with a photo. I don't have a photo. I guess I'll have to have a stupid photo.

My first 5 matches are free. They are Steve, Brian, Kevin, Bill, and Rene. That's right, Rene. Bill has a large mustache and is in transportation - i.e. bus driver. His profile was the funniest, for sure. Brian is the only other one with a photo - not bad but he is 49 and never been married. Is that normal? He looks too shiny for me. Kevin sounds like a good match - our profiles are a "great match" according to the man behind the curtain. I'm an Explorer/Negotiator and he is a Director/Negotiator. But here is his essay:

Sharing is what relationships thrive on. By truly being open to another, almost all of life's experiences take on far richer hues. The azure color of the ocean in the south of France is just that when viewed by oneself. When that same scene is reflected in the eyes of your soul mate, when you feel the touch of her hand, her smile. The result is very powerful. This is what I'm looking for, are you?

See. I'm not so sure that's NORMAL. Did his sister write this or what?And his profile title is "Why not enjoy the ride?" What does that mean?

Rene seems pretty normal but his occupation is telecommunications/phone guy. Phone guy? He is a Director/Builder. I guess I need direction.

I'm not sure if I go on for shits and grins or stop while I'm ahead. Any thoughts?

my head hurts

I've been getting migraines since my early 20's. Fortunately, the frequency and intensity has decreased as years go by as I have been able to weed out many of the factors that trigger them. Stress is a big factor, as is diet and certain physical activities (i.e. anything that has to do with a lot of stress on my arms like rock climbing or water skiing, for some weird reason). Sometimes I just seem to get them for no reason at all. The visual aura part of the headache comes first and would be really kind of cool if the pain and nausea didn't go along with it. I've had to pull over to the side of the road when driving because my vision is so blurred. It sucks. But, like I said, I've been doing better on the headache front as time goes by.

I bring this topic up because I was reading an article in the NY Times Magazine this past weekend about a guy (a guy from MST3K, by the way) that has had a headache DAILY for the past 20 years! (oh, and I have a headache right now.) He has seen doctors about it and they all say basically the same thing: "bummer, dude." Twenty friken years! I've read a lot about headaches over the years and the medical community really doesn't know all that much about why we get them. Sinus headaches make sense - pressure causes pain - but migraines and everyday headaches are still a mystery. When I was really having trouble with the migraines, I tried a myriad of medications without success. (One med caused me to have stroke-like symptoms and projectile vomiting. Fun city.) Now I just let them run their course while hiding in my room under the covers. If I were still having them often, I would definitely try acupuncture.

I guess I'm writing about this because I am distracted by the complexity of the human body and our ability or, as in this case, our inability to figure out how it all works. House is my favorite TV show and I have been known to watch forensic shows for hours at a time. NY Times Magazine has a medical mystery article once a month or so and I pride myself on trying to figure out what's wrong with the patient! The one they had last week was something that House diagnosed this past season so I knew what it was! What a dork I am. If only I could use these powers for good! My head really hurts now.

livin' large

I have some comments about weight. I recently visited my doctor - a guy I happen to have respect for - and we talked conversationally about weight. He has always told me that being a little meaty is a sign of health and a far better thing to be struggling with then, say, cancer. Agreed. But our society insists on cramming skinny down our throats at every turn. I know that we are in some way enablers - we buy the mags, we watch the shows - but there has to be some way to make it all stop. I'm all for health and good diet but come on. I would like to see a catalog with normal shaped people in clothes that are flattering. Better yet, I'd like not to give a crap.

I use to blame organized religion for much of the world's ills but I have a friend - a very intelligent guy - who told me that religion can't be blamed because without it, we would still find differences to fight about. Color, money, ....weight. How many times have you looked at an obese person and made a snap judgment about their intelligence level? "If they were smart, they wouldn't let themselves get so big." What a load of crap. (Some of the unhealthiest people I know are vegans. How's that for a generalization.) We all have our issues. Some we are born with and can't do anything about. Some we are just too lazy to deal with. Some are just not important enough to invade our daily space. I would like weight to be one of those things that doesn't invade my daily space. I have been thin and liked it but don't want to be distracted by being thin again. I want to be healthy and that's it.

In the beginning

I write this blog as anonymous (or "me") because I can. It doesn't really matter if you know who I am, does it? If what I write interests you, you will read it regardless.

Let's begin with a random fact: I am not afraid of dying but I am afraid of having not lived; hence the subtitle of my blog. I want to live my life to the fullest, as long as "to the fullest" doesn't mean "without concern for others." So, there are limits to what I can do but I'm going to push them as far as I can within that parameter.